There are many reasons someone misses someone who hurt them. The one that stands out the most to me is the deeply stored, intense trauma that one may have experienced early on with a mother or father. It is almost like the Freudian theory of “unfinished business.”

Trauma bonding is a type of attachment to someone who is causing you harm.

It can become a cycle of, “If I am abused, it is my fault, and I need to be pleasing and obey that person.” Most people do not make the connection that they are being abused. Often, it goes back to how they were raised—meaning they experienced this type of behavior when they were young and learned that, to receive love, they needed to obey and please.

Most often, there is a type of intermittent reinforcement that keeps survivors attached to an abusive partner. It may be promises that the abuser will change, stop cheating, get sober, or that things will finally be different. The survivor holds onto that hope, but nothing really changes. It becomes a vicious cycle of hope, disappointment, and then hope again.

Trauma bonding is very powerful. It can include brainwashing and gaslighting by an abuser. A survivor can become conflicted and unable to figure out what is real and what is not. They may begin to doubt themselves or minimize what happened to protect themselves.

There is also a chemical component to consider. There are times when the abuser is kind, apologetic, romantic, and compassionate. The survivor’s brain gets a rush of dopamine, a feel-good chemical associated with pleasurable, rewarding experiences. It can almost feel like a reward.

In a way, it can become like an addiction. I sometimes compare it to gambling: if you keep trying, maybe you’ll eventually win the big prize. It can be the same with an abusive relationship. One keeps trying and hoping that “Today will be the day I am unconditionally loved.”

Signs of Trauma Bonding

  • You feel powerless in the relationship, but you are determined to make it work.
  • You feel you cannot trust the other person, but you won’t—or feel you can’t—leave.
  • You feel your relationship is very complex.
  • You keep hearing promises that things will change.
  • Despite a lot of unhealthy or harmful behavior in the relationship, you focus mainly on the good in the person.
  • Friends or family repeatedly tell you that the relationship is abusive or unsafe, but you ignore or minimize their concerns.

The abusive partner constantly lets you down, but you stay. It is also important to begin trusting yourself again. Gaslighting and emotional abuse can cause you to question your own thoughts, feelings, and even your memory of what happened. Writing things down, talking with a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or someone who understands abuse can help you begin to see the relationship more clearly.

One of the hardest things is letting go of the hope that “this time will be different.” Instead of focusing on promises, look at patterns. Has there been real, consistent change over time—or another promise followed by the same behavior?

Healing also means understanding where the need to please, obey, fix, or earn someone’s love may have started. Sometimes we are trying desperately to receive today the love we needed many years ago.

Most importantly, give yourself grace. Breaking a trauma bond takes time. Missing someone does not mean you should go back. Loving someone does not mean you have to accept being hurt by them.

You do not have to earn unconditional love by tolerating pain.

Sometimes healing begins when you stop asking, “How can I get this person to love me differently?” and begin asking, “Why have I accepted a love that continues to hurt me?”